It’s the end of the world!

25 Feb

Ok, no, really it’s not.

But I’ll admit it; we’ve been arguing a bit lately.

It’s frustrating. He feels like we argue about the same issues over and over again (I don’t. I feel it may be the same general topic, but not the same actual issue).  But what I really feel like is that I can’t stand the way he argues, so I feel like we argue about arguing.

He feels like he can’t get anywhere with me unless he bows to my wishes completely (which I can’t say I understand; I feel like I have very few things I require to make me happy), and I only wish he’d fight fair and not be such of a hothead so I could actually take his thoughts and needs seriously when we disagree.

So for example, my husband and I got in a little spat this morning. I was snippy with him this morning; we were running late, he asked me when I was going to be ready (and I felt he asked with a ‘tone’), so I snipped back at him because I was annoyed. Hello? I KNOW I’m running late! I realized that I had been snippy, though, and tried to diffuse the situation by backing off.

Crisis averted. Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize it was an issue until today when we were IMing. I sent him a note to see how his meetings were going.  He told me he was annoyed with me, but didn’t want to start a fight this morning so didn’t bring it up. I told him I had no idea (I had to actually think back to realize I had been snippy).

This is where I get confused and feel like I can’t “win” (even though I know it’s not about winning.) He told me over IM that snipping at him, and then trying to back off is just not going to work. I told him that I backed off with the hopes of diffusing the situation. Then he responds accusing me of not backing off at all, and telling him not to yell at me.

And therein lies the confusion. Sure, I did ask him not to yell. We have two kids (7 and 1) who were present, and it didn’t seem worth getting into a fight in front of them over being snippy. But how did I simultaneously back off and not back off? I was accused of both, and I seriously can’t keep up.

My husband had his rant over IM, and then signed off without letting me respond. He’s not a jerk, he’s a man. We’re different, we communicate different, and even though I want to give him the whole, “WTH?????”, I know that won’t work either.

I emailed my friend, frequent commenter Mrs. C to ask if she had any advice for me.  I asked her how the heck I can make sense of all of this.

She had plenty of advice, but the best piece of advice was to go back to the beginning of Witty Wife’s Marriage Project and reread what I wrote.

It was almost identical to today. We got into a scuffle, and I decided to start writing about controlling what I can control. I can control me, and I can’t control anyone else. So as much as I want to wring his neck and make him ‘see’ that I feel like this whole thing is ridiculous, there’s no point. I can’t make him see anything; he’s in control of his thoughts and feelings, and I’m in control of mine.

With that said, I’m not quite sure what the next step is (as far as this evening. Do I act normal? Do I act somber because I know he’s mad? Do I apologize even though I said before, “I’m sorry I was snippy?”) . I love my husband very much, but honestly, I feel tired of over-thinking things until my brain hurts. It’s Friday; I just want to head home after work and order Chinese food for the kids and chill. I don’t have to sit and wonder how he wants me to act (because seriously, I have no clue, and I refuse to assume). And honestly, that feels pretty good.

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6 Responses to “It’s the end of the world!”

  1. mygossamerlife February 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm #

    Ok, here is some advice that is so much easier to dispense than actually follow. I know all about the, “how should I act if he is mad at me?” and the unwanted anxiety it brings.

    So here’s what I think. Find a way to address it up front. Connect with him before you get too far into the evening and just talk about it so it can then be put behind you (or not) and you can start the weekend knowing you at least tried.

    • wittywife February 28, 2011 at 8:56 am #

      Good point. I am definitely guilty sometimes of holding on to things all evening, and then bringing them up right before bed. Not so good!

      It’s probably much easier to bring it up and be done with it earlier in the evening!

  2. got2havefaith February 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm #

    Ah, the old “tone” in the voice…gets you in trouble every time! I hate tone…but I am a girl. I thought that was a “girl thing”. Anyway. Maybe you can make a joke about it whenever either one of you starts to get “snippy”. You know, something that will defuse the situation. Lighten the mood. Or just become “tone” deaf.

    I find my hubby and I don’t really fight about big thing, it’s always silly little things, like dirty socks on the living room floor. Why can’t he pick them up at the end of the night????

    • wittywife February 28, 2011 at 8:57 am #

      Good point. Thanks for reminding me. Joking about it DOES help many times, but sometimes I feel so defensive I forget that I can easily diffuse the situation by making a joke!

  3. 1nalo March 3, 2011 at 1:31 pm #

    well, i certainly hope things went well! i am right there with you in not liking the way my husband argues. nothing upsets this man, so it’s usually me in a uproar about the fact that nothing upsets him…me being a passionate person does not always understand “the man way”…therein lies the balance of our marriage :)

  4. Luke Bays March 21, 2011 at 1:40 pm #

    I know you wrote this quite awhile back but its the first chance in a while that I have had time to read blogs. My advice for whatever it is worth is that an apology in person goes way than one over IM, text or email. While those platforms are all great ways to communicate daily things they are dangerous places to argue or apologize. There is so much emotion and feelings in an apology and so little of those things in technology. We read things or see things in the typed words that you would never get from spoken words. You can’t tell for instance if someone is sincere or if they are just be sarcastic.

    Find the time. Make sure he knows you are sorry for whatever you did. You can’t change his tone or his actions but that isn’t what you are apologizing for.

    Apologize. Hug. Go on with your night together.

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