#37: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do.

8 Dec

At least, that’s what they say. And it’s what I’ve been trying to put into practice.

Patience is something I’m still working very hard on. I’m not afraid of confrontation, but I try to avoid it if it’s not really necessary.

But in order to not be confrontational over minor things (which could come across as ‘nagging wife’ or ‘complaining wife’) one must exercise some patience.

I’ve been getting better at it. Last night, my husband and I were talking, and it got to be late. My husband HATES talking about anything serious before bed. I, on the other hand, can not sleep if stuff is on my mind, and I feel most comfortable talking to him when we ARE in bed. Our guard is down, we’re comfortable, we’re not tense. It seems like a PERFECT place and time to talk.

But he doesn’t like to; maybe he feels vulnerable. Maybe he actually wants to sleep when he gets into bed. I don’t know or understand the reason why, but since me bringing up things before bed seemed to always turn things into a crazy fight, I’ve been trying to honor his request to not talk about anything serious before sleep.

So last night, as we started talking, he said he’d rather not, and really wanted to get some sleep.

And I obliged and shut my mouth. That was an exercise in patience. Not so much because I had something burning that I just HAD to discuss (the issue was minor), but because I’m not sure when I’ll get to have my say and I have to sit and wonder when he might want to talk. I have to be a mindreader. If I bring it up again, I’m a nagging wife.

Last night, he had his say (he disagreed with me), then said he would really like some sleep.

This takes me to something else completely. Sometimes I don’t even care what the issue is about. I just want to know that he takes my opinion/thoughts/whatever seriously, even if he disagrees. I want to know that he’s at least trying to understand what I’m saying. I don’t know that if he gets to say his peace and then decides the conversation is over.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not even mad. There’s no point. We’re going to be with each other for a long time, and if he hates talking before bed, nothing is going to magically make him like it. So it’s my turn to make the accommodation and try to be patient.

Sometimes I want to blow up and say, “Well when the heck do you expect us to talk? We work all day, come home, feed the kids, eat our dinner, do bedtime for the kids, do some chores, maybe watch an hour of tv, and then it’s our bedtime! Bedtime is the only time we have peace and quiet. When do you propose we talk???”

But I know that’s not a good direction to go, either. I think most times if I’m just patient and calm, things will work themselves out. Things will eventually get addressed.

So I’m going to work some more on being patient, not rushing to solutions, decisions, or blowing up and yelling.

But does this make a really understanding wife, or a pushover?

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11 Responses to “#37: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do.”

  1. eve December 8, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

    I had the exact same situation with my Ex, and the bedtime talks never worked out well. And many times he wasn’t going to sleep, he was watching TV!(another thing that I will never do is have a TV in the bedroom)

    But I was the same as you, and in the peace of being in bed was when I felt the most free and open to share what was on my mind. The thing that I realized that talking to him at that time actually caused more damage in my relationship than it did good. And I ended up going to bed more upset than I would have to just keep things bottled up.

    Bottling up how you feel is bad. So what I started to do, is journaling how I felt before bed. That was the time that I felt the most comfortable expressing it, and by writing it out, it gave me a similar feeling to talking about it since I was at least “getting it out” of my mind.

    Then I would make a time that worked with my Ex to talk about it. And I’d pull out the journal and have all my thoughts from that moment already expressed and ready to go.

    I’m kinda lucky now. Since my current boyfriend LOVES to talk about things in bed together. So I don’t really have to do that anymore. But I still journal…but in the form of my blog (adampluseve.wordpress.com)

    Hope that helps!

  2. Dalai Lina December 8, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

    I think you are on the right track. It will get dealt with at some point. Sometimes, though, we is just going to have to talk in bed!

    • wittywife December 9, 2010 at 9:43 am #

      I agree. Being patient is SO important!

  3. Nicole December 9, 2010 at 7:16 am #

    Marriage is give and take. So I can’t help but feel that if your husband doesn’t want to talk before bed, then he should let you know when it will be a good time to talk. Guys don’t always like letting their guards down and sometimes we girls tend to freak them out. (I know that I confuse my husband to no end). 🙂 But just as we women need to be considerate of our husband’s, our husbands need to be considerate of us. If he needs some ‘lovin,’ then he needs to understand that you need to talk sometimes too. 🙂 We all have our needs and wants. And in a marriage, we should do our best to make sure the other person is getting what they need. Your husband might not realize just how important talking really is to you. But like anything, these things take time. I’m still working on things in my marriage too, because it’s not like you can just read a book and then everything becomes easy. Wouldn’t that be nice?? 🙂

    • wittywife December 9, 2010 at 9:44 am #

      That WOULD be nice!

      I agree. I bet I’m confusing to my husband as well. Good thing we have all the time in the world to figure all of this out!

  4. Raven December 9, 2010 at 9:57 am #

    I kind of agree with not talking about things in bed. That should be a very positive place. But yes he should definitely give you a place to talk because bottling things up is how resentment starts. Once that seed gets planted it’s really downhill from there.

    My ex just didn’t like to talk period and by the time that marriage was done (a mere 9 months and only that long because I had to wait for him to get back in country) I was pretty close to hating him and our feelings were quite strong for each other in the beginning.

    My husband and I are still working on when. Whatever you do don’t text it. Grrr…I have a bad habit of doing that because, like you, when something is on my mind I just have to say it. Almost always bad. But I’ve found if I bite my tongue sometimes it passes. Then I think to myself ‘how much will this matter 20 years from now?’ We seem to do really good have amiable conversations about serious stuff when we are eating at a table. Once we get chairs for our dining set we are going to start eating dinner there and that’s probably where we’ll talk…when he’s home. Sometimes being a police officer’s wife has it’s trials.

    • wittywife December 10, 2010 at 11:43 am #

      I agree, if only because if my husband doesn’t like talking in bed, it’s not worth doing it since it won’t get us anywhere!

      We’ll figure it out!

  5. missentregate December 9, 2010 at 3:24 pm #

    This is the exact thing I suffer with constantly… Where is the line between standing up for yourself and not being a pushover and being too pushy and impatient etc? When are we being stubborn and when do we have a valid point? I try not to push the small stuff but it’s a challenge for me to shut up sometimes. haha.

    • wittywife December 10, 2010 at 11:42 am #

      That’s exactly where I am, too!

      BTW, did you have your baby yet???

  6. missentregate December 10, 2010 at 3:11 pm #

    Not yet! I’m working on it. haha. Spicy food marathon im thinking.

  7. Cat@BudgetBlonde December 14, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

    This is so me. I always want to talk just before bed. My husband can fall asleep in like a second and I can stay up for hours just mulling over things. I think you made a really strong and mature choice in being patient and I hope yall get to talk soon. Thanks for the good lesson.

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