Tag Archives: mistakes

Marriage Project Assessment #4 – Bake, Cook, Ego-Boost and Clean your way to a Happier Marriage

21 Oct

At least, that’s what I’ve been doing to work towards a better marriage. Not that there’s much wrong with it to begin with, but it seems to me that it’s easier to tend to your marriage when it’s not in trouble.

Well, all this cooking, cleaning, and loving up my husband seems to be making a HUGE difference (either that, or he’s found and reading my blog!) I started this blog to work on things I can control in my marriage (as opposed to using this as a place to vent about marriage and my husband). I can’t control my husband. I can only control me.

As I’ve mentioned several times before, the intent here is to better MYSELF in my marriage, but then unintended consequence here is that my husband has been just amazing. He’s been communicating a lot more than he EVER has. I mean, he talks a lot (we love to talk about anything and everything), but as far as communicating about feelings, emotions, or dealing with issues, that’s always been a little struggle for us.

So yesterday, when he IMed me about some errands we needed to get done, I was feeling particularly lovey, and I told him out of the blue, “You know, you’re a GREAT husband and father.” And he wrote back, “You know what, THANK YOU, that means so much to me.” Who knew?? I thought I’d get a standard “Thanks.”

Last night, I got home before he did and got to work reviewing my cleaning planner. I did some dishes, got dinner started, got coffee ready for the morning, and finished folding the laundry. I had quite a bit done before he even got home. We watched the rest of the Yankees game together (Yeah!!! They Won !!!!!!.) Then we went to bed super-early to watch the Giants against the Phillies. At 9pm. We just kind of cuddled, and it was incredible. Then out of nowhere, he tells me how happy he is in general, how glad he is that I’m his wife, and how glad he is that I’m the mother of his child. He also went on to tell me that he’s made an effort to try very hard lately – my hangups are staying clean and orderly and keeping my head on straight, his is that he tends to get a little angry and let things bother him. He told me that he’s trying hard to not place blame every time something small goes wrong, and he apologized for sometimes placing that extra blame on me when it’s not warranted.

Wow!

Am I making a difference here?

Furthermore, our marriage IS good already. Do you think for people who are having marriage troubles could follow the same steps that I do and receive the same outcome, even if they think their spouse is at fault? If they work on the ‘small things’ like I am, could their spouses outlook improve as well as an unintended consequence?

 


Some useful links:

 

Archive of my marriage projects

My marriage project assessments so far

What is this marriage project all about?

And of course, follow me on Facebook by clicking the picture below!

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Update to Mistake #2: Know when to grow a pair. Also know when to let something go. Don’t be wishy-washy.

29 Sep

Crisis averted? Maybe?

I eventually went to bed. He was asleep, and as much as I really, really, really wanted to talk, I kept my mouth shut. As I was drifting off, I could hear our little one tossing and turning through the baby monitor. My turn to get up, of course. He settled back down, but the noise of the kiddo woke my husband up, too.

He kind of looked around (I think he was unsure if I was back yet), and HE ASKED ME HOW MY NIGHT OUT WAS.

There I was, expecting him to turn his back on me, expecting him to give me the silent treatment as a form of punishment, but no. He asked me how my night out was.

So, was I expecting my expectations much too low in the arguing arena? I don’t know, but when I had come to bed, I was on the defensive, ready to go at it if he should say anything to hurt my stupid fragile feelings.

After we talked about that for a minute, he apologized for fighting with me. And you know what? After a long miserable day from hell, that was enough. That was MORE than enough. At this point I didn’t even care about the original issue; it’s really something we may just have to agree to disagree about. I apologized, too, for pushing and pushing earlier in the day.

Overall, I think that went okay. Crisis averted. Time to get back at it and start a new ‘project.’

Mistake #2: Know when to grow a pair. Also know when to let something go. Don’t be wishy-washy.

28 Sep

Mistake:

Let’s be clear that I’ve made more than two mistakes since starting this blog, but I try to write about positive things and keep the tone of the blog pretty upbeat.

But I think I screwed the pooch on this one. I don’t necessarily think my position that has caused us to argue is ‘wrong,’ I happen to think it’s right, but I know I haven’t exactly handled myself well.

I just got home from an evening out with friends. My husband was supposed to come too, but wasn’t really up to it with us being frustrated with each other. I was bummed that he didn’t want to come, but maybe it was better because we had some cooling off time.

Whenever we get upset with each other, I’m always afraid that he hates me or will leave me, so I often keep my mouth shut to avoid an even worse argument. Other times, I want to tell him off. Somehow, I seem to end up somewhere in the middle consistently, and it NEVER works.

My husband has some buttons, and I try not to push them. He hates ‘discussing’ things before bed, so I try to avoid it because I know it won’t help anything. Which is why tonight, I’m writing instead of going to bed. If I go to bed, I’ll never be able to keep my mouth shut, and I won’t be able to sleep. Lose/lose. He also hates when I ‘push’ him, and, well, today I definitely pushed.

But when’s it my turn? When do I get to talk about how I feel? I tried to talk to him today, but he thinks I’m bringing up “the same old issues.” Or thinks I’m bringing on drama or creating drama. I hate that he doesn’t take me seriously.

I feel like when we DO have a bad fight, this is where it ends up. I feel like I don’t get the same respect when I try to tell him what I’m feeling as he demands when he’s trying to tell me how he’s feeling. And when he pulls the silent treatment, it feels like he doesn’t give a shit at all.

I know what we were arguing about, and I’m willing to fully accept the fact that we might not ‘agree’, but I know that the process of arguing (me being pushy; him pulling the silent treatment) frustrates the heck out of me. The whole thing is just hurtful. I want him to care about what I think even if he totally disagrees with it. The silent treatment? Well, that just sucks the life out of the recipient.

Am I glossing a heck of a lot of this over? Well, yes. There are two sides to every story. But I guess for me, this has turned into stress about HOW we argue, and for him, it’s about me complaining. Again.

I feel like if we both just sat down, talked calmly, and heard each other out, things would be much better.

When things are good, they are very good. When we argue, I feel like it’s the end of the world.

He did leave the light on for me tonight, though, so perhaps it’s NOT actually the end of the world?

Time to start a new ‘project’ tomorrow.

#15 – Be more polite to my husband than I am to my boss

9 Sep

How come we treat perfect strangers and our bosses wonderfully, but sometimes treat the most important person in the world like crap?

Now, I don’t particularly treat my husband like crap, but there are times when I get snippy and disrespectful, which doesn’t make any sense at all, since he’s the person I love and respect most in the world.

I read an article about being a good spouse in The Times (a UK paper), and a post on the blog From Dates to Diapers about making your husband a priority.

Both essentially spell out that though your kids and jobs are priorities, your spouse is THE priority. Of course the kids are important, but if you neglect your marriage and it fails, that does them no good! If you make your marriage the priority instead of the kids, it helps in lots of ways:

  1. You stay married.
  2. The kids don’t have to go through a divorce.
  3. The kids see a great example of how a healthy relationship functions.

Today, I’m going to work on just being nice. Being nicer and more respectful to my spouse than to people I barely know. I know this is more of an abstract little project, but tonight I’m going to put in a lot of effort and see where things end up.

And of course, all these things, these projects,  are cumulative. Sure, I’m writing about each thing once on this blog, but as I focus on them once, I’m trying to continue focusing on them. (See my latest assessment for more on this.)

(Curious what my Marriage Project is all about? Did you read yesterday’s post about sending my husband some goodies at work?)

Mistake #1: I promised him a Corvette?

3 Sep

Mistake:

I promised my husband a Corvette. Sort of.

I’ve written about all of the good things I’m doing, but suppose I should own up to when I’ve screwed up.

Well I did. Big time.

As city dwellers, we only have one car. I picked it out when we went car shopping. It’s sensible. It fits all of us, and luggage should we take family trips. Which we do.

It’s becoming clear that with two kids, crappy public transportation, and two jobs in different places, it’s time to start looking for a second car. We just run into too many bumps in the road where I need to hit the store, or pick up the kids, or whatever, but I can’t since we don’t have a second car. My husband and I discussed this at length. We discussed when we’ll buy it, and how much it should cost. We set a cap on price.

Any because I love my husband so much, and he’s been so amazing and wonderful, and he’s been such a good provider, friend, lover, the whole nine yards, I told him to look around and pick something he likes, even if it’s a little ‘out there.’

He did. He picked a Corvette. The problem is, it only has two seats. He takes our son to daycare daily. He said he understood, and would only drive it on weekends, or days that I took the car and took the kiddo to daycare. He said it could be our ‘fun car.’

Ummmm.. well, yeah. The problem for me is that this involves too much coordination. There can’t be any “Shoot, I’m running late, can you get the kiddo from daycare?” conversations, because the one of us with the Corvette won’t be able to pick the kiddo up. Which means we still have no flexibility.

Though we’d have an awesome time on the weekend taking a daytrip when the kids are with a sitter.

I brought up the practicality issue of having a Vette today, and my husband said I sucked the wind out of his sails, and for me to just pick whatever.

I’m totally to blame here. I told him I wanted him to pick whatever he wanted. I just assumed he’d pick something he could drive everyday. And since he takes the kiddo to daycare almost every day (it’s on his way to work), I thought he’d choose something with four seats. I didn’t realize he was looking into a ‘play’ car. It’s my fault for not clarifying ahead of time, though.

He’s not mad at me, bless him. But he’s disappointed.  And he said I should just pick because he doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. And I feel like an ass. I love my husband to death and want to give HIM something when he gives me so much.

Here’s your chance to chime in. Help!

Update #1- September 3

I just called the husband since I’m leaving work early and I wanted to see if I should take the subway out and meet him, or just head home. He informed me, very casually, that he’s actually done for the day and at the Ford dealership next to his office checking out some cars. Whew. So I might not have to decide after all. I don’t want to!

Update #2 December 15 –

Well, I forgot to tell you all that we never bought the second car! Well, we DID buy a second car..an amazing Mercedes AMG. I should have known there was trouble when they were giving us a hard time about purchasing an additional full warranty with it, but we were able to. We had one GLORIOUS day with it before it DIED. My husband got it back to the dealership, and they essentially didn’t want to fix it. They gave us our money back. The next day, it was back on the lot (NOT a Mercedes dealership, I might add!). Sleezebags! Anyway, we have decided to pay off our current vehicle before going for another one.

(By the way, curious what my Marriage Project is all about?)

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