Tag Archives: romance

Ideas for changing your life

10 Mar

Ok, so, these are ideas for changing my life, but I want to know what changes you’re looking to make, too. Add them in the comments! Though these aren’t all ‘marriage’ changes, I think all of them will benefit my marriage in some way.

Changes I want to make / Things I want to do:

  • Kiss and hug my husband every day.
  • Stay calm, particularly if we start to argue.
  • Walk away from a less-than-calm argument, instead of becoming an emotional trainwreck.
  • Spend 15 minutes a day talking….work, kids, schedules, our relationship, and chores are off-limit topics. It’ll be interesting to see what we talk about.. I feel like all we talk about sometimes are these topics.
  • Put up more pictures of us around the house.
  • Discuss (and write down and post somewhere) our 2 year goal, 5 year goal, 15 year goal, and retirement goals.
  • Have more sex (we’re tired parents of a 7 year old and 15 month old!) I read that the average is 1.5 times a week, so we’re already ahead of the curve, but I’d prefer more if I could actually stay awake!
  • Encourage my husband to get out a little more. He works long days at work, and though we make time for our ‘couple friends,’ he doesn’t get out much for a guy’s evening. I’m thankful for the time he is at home, but wondering if he’d be a little happier if he got out every now and then.
  • Be more positive and less negative. I tend to see the negative side of everything. I’m a realist!
  • Expand our circle of happy  ‘couple’ friends.
  • Have more ‘active’ dates with my husband. We LOVE dining out, but I’d like to try something a little more involved and active. (Any suggestions?)

Any other ideas? What are some things you’d like to change, or even do every day?

It’s the end of the world!

25 Feb

Ok, no, really it’s not.

But I’ll admit it; we’ve been arguing a bit lately.

It’s frustrating. He feels like we argue about the same issues over and over again (I don’t. I feel it may be the same general topic, but not the same actual issue).  But what I really feel like is that I can’t stand the way he argues, so I feel like we argue about arguing.

He feels like he can’t get anywhere with me unless he bows to my wishes completely (which I can’t say I understand; I feel like I have very few things I require to make me happy), and I only wish he’d fight fair and not be such of a hothead so I could actually take his thoughts and needs seriously when we disagree.

So for example, my husband and I got in a little spat this morning. I was snippy with him this morning; we were running late, he asked me when I was going to be ready (and I felt he asked with a ‘tone’), so I snipped back at him because I was annoyed. Hello? I KNOW I’m running late! I realized that I had been snippy, though, and tried to diffuse the situation by backing off.

Crisis averted. Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize it was an issue until today when we were IMing. I sent him a note to see how his meetings were going.  He told me he was annoyed with me, but didn’t want to start a fight this morning so didn’t bring it up. I told him I had no idea (I had to actually think back to realize I had been snippy).

This is where I get confused and feel like I can’t “win” (even though I know it’s not about winning.) He told me over IM that snipping at him, and then trying to back off is just not going to work. I told him that I backed off with the hopes of diffusing the situation. Then he responds accusing me of not backing off at all, and telling him not to yell at me.

And therein lies the confusion. Sure, I did ask him not to yell. We have two kids (7 and 1) who were present, and it didn’t seem worth getting into a fight in front of them over being snippy. But how did I simultaneously back off and not back off? I was accused of both, and I seriously can’t keep up.

My husband had his rant over IM, and then signed off without letting me respond. He’s not a jerk, he’s a man. We’re different, we communicate different, and even though I want to give him the whole, “WTH?????”, I know that won’t work either.

I emailed my friend, frequent commenter Mrs. C to ask if she had any advice for me.  I asked her how the heck I can make sense of all of this.

She had plenty of advice, but the best piece of advice was to go back to the beginning of Witty Wife’s Marriage Project and reread what I wrote.

It was almost identical to today. We got into a scuffle, and I decided to start writing about controlling what I can control. I can control me, and I can’t control anyone else. So as much as I want to wring his neck and make him ‘see’ that I feel like this whole thing is ridiculous, there’s no point. I can’t make him see anything; he’s in control of his thoughts and feelings, and I’m in control of mine.

With that said, I’m not quite sure what the next step is (as far as this evening. Do I act normal? Do I act somber because I know he’s mad? Do I apologize even though I said before, “I’m sorry I was snippy?”) . I love my husband very much, but honestly, I feel tired of over-thinking things until my brain hurts. It’s Friday; I just want to head home after work and order Chinese food for the kids and chill. I don’t have to sit and wonder how he wants me to act (because seriously, I have no clue, and I refuse to assume). And honestly, that feels pretty good.

Surrounded by Celebrities

16 Feb

…at least I think I was.

I’m not a huge fan of going out ON Valentine’s Day. It just feels so forced. But last night was Valentine’s Day +1, and I was fine with the reservation my husband made for us.

I was very excited; he took me to the Capital Grille in DC, which I’ve never been to. We’re huge fans of trying new places to dine, so I was excited to head over.

I loved the Capital Grille. It was old-school. Dark wood, dim lighting, and almost pompous in a subdued way (if you can imagine.) It was far from loud and trendy, but even so, it was the place to be. Full of politicians, full of (I’m assuming) lobbyists, but all the ego-stroking was done in a calm and composed manner. I don’t think there was anyone there under the age of thirty.

Being a native New Englander, I had high expectations as I ordered  a three pound Maine lobster My husband had a steak by the likes of which I’ve never seen. Both were delicious.

We were surrounded by well-known people, except I couldn’t place any of them. Cut me some slack; all politicians look the same in dark blue suits!

My husband did a fantastic job choosing this restaurant, and we had a great, relaxing even.

I think I have a new favorite restaurant.

The drain is clogged…

26 Jan

The drain in our bathroom tub has been clogged for a while. You know why? I stopped taking care of it. I let my hair get all down in there, and it became a big ole’ mess. Kind of gross.

Which is sort of the same way I feel about my marriage right now. I’ve neglected the blog, I’ve neglected a lot, all while convincing myself..”I’ll get to it when I have time…” I kept adding the Drano to the tub.

Nothing.

Finally, yesterday, we just had to get down there and unclog the darn thing. Which is kind of like me getting back to the blog. I sort of just needed to do it. I’m perfectly capable or working on my marriage without writing, but I know by experience I’m not as good at it.

Writing helps me organize my thoughts… allows me to think out loud before I actually speak and get myself into trouble. It’s sort of my own personal therapy, and I’ve let it go. So today, I’m back on the wagon, looking for ideas to continue with my marriage project.

Side note: I just read a great article in Good Housekeeping Magazine (also available online) called DIY Marriage Repair.

Key takeaways:

  • Not all marital disputes have to end in a deadlock.
  • Meeting in the middle when dealing with conflict rarely works; it creates resentment and fear of honest conversation.
  • Try taking turns.
  • Be open minded, not inflexible. Consider your partner’s point of view.

Christmas, Mexico, Poopy Diapers…

20 Jan

Credit: Connect.in.com

…Just a few of the things that have kept me busy since my last post.

Hubby and I have been trying to figure out how to incorporate hm into the blog…a guest column? He said/she said? Guest posts?

We haven’t quite figured it out yet… between Christmas, New Years, a quick (work) trip to Mexico, and our baby who is finally just getting over a stomach bug, I’ve been just kind of waiting to see how things fall into place.

They haven’t yet, so I’ve decided to get back to writing (just me) until we can figure out how he wants to write!

A few thoughts on Mexico:

My husband’s company took their core employees and their spouses to Mexico over Martin Luther King weekend. We only had to do one company related dinner, and the rest of the time we were freeeee! We left the kids at home, and had an amazing weekend together (besides the terrifying flight home.)

Some pictures to share:

Tomorrow, back to my regular posts!

#37: Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do.

8 Dec

At least, that’s what they say. And it’s what I’ve been trying to put into practice.

Patience is something I’m still working very hard on. I’m not afraid of confrontation, but I try to avoid it if it’s not really necessary.

But in order to not be confrontational over minor things (which could come across as ‘nagging wife’ or ‘complaining wife’) one must exercise some patience.

I’ve been getting better at it. Last night, my husband and I were talking, and it got to be late. My husband HATES talking about anything serious before bed. I, on the other hand, can not sleep if stuff is on my mind, and I feel most comfortable talking to him when we ARE in bed. Our guard is down, we’re comfortable, we’re not tense. It seems like a PERFECT place and time to talk.

But he doesn’t like to; maybe he feels vulnerable. Maybe he actually wants to sleep when he gets into bed. I don’t know or understand the reason why, but since me bringing up things before bed seemed to always turn things into a crazy fight, I’ve been trying to honor his request to not talk about anything serious before sleep.

So last night, as we started talking, he said he’d rather not, and really wanted to get some sleep.

And I obliged and shut my mouth. That was an exercise in patience. Not so much because I had something burning that I just HAD to discuss (the issue was minor), but because I’m not sure when I’ll get to have my say and I have to sit and wonder when he might want to talk. I have to be a mindreader. If I bring it up again, I’m a nagging wife.

Last night, he had his say (he disagreed with me), then said he would really like some sleep.

This takes me to something else completely. Sometimes I don’t even care what the issue is about. I just want to know that he takes my opinion/thoughts/whatever seriously, even if he disagrees. I want to know that he’s at least trying to understand what I’m saying. I don’t know that if he gets to say his peace and then decides the conversation is over.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not even mad. There’s no point. We’re going to be with each other for a long time, and if he hates talking before bed, nothing is going to magically make him like it. So it’s my turn to make the accommodation and try to be patient.

Sometimes I want to blow up and say, “Well when the heck do you expect us to talk? We work all day, come home, feed the kids, eat our dinner, do bedtime for the kids, do some chores, maybe watch an hour of tv, and then it’s our bedtime! Bedtime is the only time we have peace and quiet. When do you propose we talk???”

But I know that’s not a good direction to go, either. I think most times if I’m just patient and calm, things will work themselves out. Things will eventually get addressed.

So I’m going to work some more on being patient, not rushing to solutions, decisions, or blowing up and yelling.

But does this make a really understanding wife, or a pushover?

#36: Small steps…like buying your husband a birthday gift

6 Dec

Credit: elevenstitches.com

I had a minor setback. Not with my marriage, really. We haven’t been fighting, things have been good. But since Thanksgiving, things have been just ‘off.’ And for no particular reason, really. I think we just suddenly got very busy.

The business of Thanksgiving (which my dear friend and neighbor hosted) is the start of the crazy holiday season. We watched The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade while preparing side dishes for Thanksgiving, then we went to our friend’s house where we we ate yummy corn bread, creamy peas (with bacon!), brussels sprouts, mashed potatoes,  mostly done turkey, and amazing dessert! It was an great time.

And then, something happened. It’s been Christmas shopping, shopping for my daughter’s birthday, shopping for my son’s birthday, shopping for my husband’s birthday, preparing for my family’s visit this weekend… The list doesn’t end…

And I think I’ve been out of sync with my husband. Not in any bad way; we haven’t fought, argued, nothing of the sort. We’re just both busy and it’s catching up to us. And since I’ve felt a little ‘off’, I haven’t felt like writing.

But it’s a mistake. It’s a mistake not to write, because that is the POINT of this blog. The point is to work on small things I can do on a DAILY basis for my marriage and for my husband. I’ve been working on the little things, especially when things are good. I work on them especially when things are good because that’s the time when couples tend to relax and not work as hard on their marriage since it’s gliding along so smoothly.

Common sense should tell me that when things are slightly out of sync, that’s probably the time to pick up the pace on my small daily projects, which I have not been doing.

So here I am, getting back on track.

I went and bought my husband his birthday gift. That was partly self serving; it made me feel better about myself, which put me in a better position to start up with my ‘projects’ again. And I think it’s something he’ll really like. He’s been saying over and over again how he needs a new watch; I really wasn’t sure what to get (there are sooooo many choices.)

But on Black Friday, I went to Macy’s and got him this (his has a blue face):

Chronograph watch. Credt: Burberry.com

I think he’s really going to like it.

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