Mistake #2: Know when to grow a pair. Also know when to let something go. Don’t be wishy-washy.

28 Sep


Let’s be clear that I’ve made more than two mistakes since starting this blog, but I try to write about positive things and keep the tone of the blog pretty upbeat.

But I think I screwed the pooch on this one. I don’t necessarily think my position that has caused us to argue is ‘wrong,’ I happen to think it’s right, but I know I haven’t exactly handled myself well.

I just got home from an evening out with friends. My husband was supposed to come too, but wasn’t really up to it with us being frustrated with each other. I was bummed that he didn’t want to come, but maybe it was better because we had some cooling off time.

Whenever we get upset with each other, I’m always afraid that he hates me or will leave me, so I often keep my mouth shut to avoid an even worse argument. Other times, I want to tell him off. Somehow, I seem to end up somewhere in the middle consistently, and it NEVER works.

My husband has some buttons, and I try not to push them. He hates ‘discussing’ things before bed, so I try to avoid it because I know it won’t help anything. Which is why tonight, I’m writing instead of going to bed. If I go to bed, I’ll never be able to keep my mouth shut, and I won’t be able to sleep. Lose/lose. He also hates when I ‘push’ him, and, well, today I definitely pushed.

But when’s it my turn? When do I get to talk about how I feel? I tried to talk to him today, but he thinks I’m bringing up “the same old issues.” Or thinks I’m bringing on drama or creating drama. I hate that he doesn’t take me seriously.

I feel like when we DO have a bad fight, this is where it ends up. I feel like I don’t get the same respect when I try to tell him what I’m feeling as he demands when he’s trying to tell me how he’s feeling. And when he pulls the silent treatment, it feels like he doesn’t give a shit at all.

I know what we were arguing about, and I’m willing to fully accept the fact that we might not ‘agree’, but I know that the process of arguing (me being pushy; him pulling the silent treatment) frustrates the heck out of me. The whole thing is just hurtful. I want him to care about what I think even if he totally disagrees with it. The silent treatment? Well, that just sucks the life out of the recipient.

Am I glossing a heck of a lot of this over? Well, yes. There are two sides to every story. But I guess for me, this has turned into stress about HOW we argue, and for him, it’s about me complaining. Again.

I feel like if we both just sat down, talked calmly, and heard each other out, things would be much better.

When things are good, they are very good. When we argue, I feel like it’s the end of the world.

He did leave the light on for me tonight, though, so perhaps it’s NOT actually the end of the world?

Time to start a new ‘project’ tomorrow.


11 Responses to “Mistake #2: Know when to grow a pair. Also know when to let something go. Don’t be wishy-washy.”

  1. marriagecoach1 September 28, 2010 at 11:24 pm #

    I would suggest that you both read my blog post on how to stop fighting with your spouse or family and resolve conflicts peacefully. You make some good points and I am sure that your husband has some good points as well.

    Marriage counselors don’t teach conflict resolution skills. The lack of conflict resolution skills is the number one reason couples divorce.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • wittywife September 29, 2010 at 10:04 am #

      Well John, we rarely agree on much, but I know I did read that statistic somewhere – married couples all tend to argue about the same things…money, sex, kids.

      Those who are together in 20 years are the ones who have the conflict resolution skills to deal with the issues.

  2. Elisha September 29, 2010 at 1:19 am #

    Sow what you hope to reap, sister 🙂 fullymulched.wordpress.com…

    • wittywife September 29, 2010 at 10:04 am #

      Thank you for sharing your blog! I just took a look and am anxious to catch up!

      • Elisha October 10, 2010 at 1:49 am #

        Oh – so glad to have you 🙂 Keep in touch as you walk this road… I pray you will find encouragement and strength to plant the seeds of love in your home each and every day….

  3. Mrs Long September 29, 2010 at 8:47 am #

    Sometimes this marriage thing is really hard! I remember in our pre-marital counseling, we talked about how we deal with issues with one another, and my husband said he just doesn’t say anything… i.e. the silent treatment. I remember our marriage counselor and good friend saying that silence is RARELY an effective form of communication.

    It’s hard to know what to say when someone isn’t giving you anything. I’ll be praying for you and your husband! Keep your chin up!

  4. Raven September 29, 2010 at 9:36 am #

    It’s strange that I should wander onto your blog and find a post like this.
    “Whenever we get upset with each other, I’m always afraid that he hates me or will leave me, so I often keep my mouth shut to avoid an even worse argument. Other times, I want to tell him off. Somehow, I seem to end up somewhere in the middle consistently, and it NEVER works.”
    This is me…and this is this morning. Crazy.

    • wittywife September 29, 2010 at 10:08 am #

      Well, I’m glad you found my post, although it’s not an envious place to be. I seriously thought that I was really, really the only woman that ever felt this way. It’s the worst.

      But…in decent news, I have an update to last night, which I will post soon along with a new ‘project’.

      • Raven September 29, 2010 at 5:50 pm #

        I’m glad it got better. Things got better here too. I wrote a post on conflict resolution to help even things out with me in the emotions department. It helped.
        But no you are definitely not the only woman that worries every time there is discord.

  5. In like Flynn September 29, 2010 at 1:50 pm #

    I hate the silent treatment and I feel ya “when things are good their great and when their bad its the end of the world” – I think this is common in every relationship/marriage. I have a bad habit of not shutting up. But I WANT to be heard to. We take the time and make sure they feel good and are happy and we sometimes forget about ourselves. Thats frustrating. I thought I was the only one that felt like this.

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